Never Be
by c. sherwood
Summary: Oneshot. Remus knows that he will never be enough. JPSB RLSB both unrequited


Title: Never Be

Date: June 16, 2006

Genre: angst/. . .more angst

Summary: One-shot. Remus knows that he will never be enough. JP/SB unrequited; RL/SB

James Potter was always the one who made the plans. He was the self-proclaimed leader of their group and nobody questioned it, even Sirius. Impulsive, brilliant, beautiful Sirius. . .he held himself back when it came to James. He let him have the spotlight. He gave him all of the credit and took the blame when he needed to. These were things that he would never do for anyone else, only him.

Remus envied their friendship. It seemed to be the most inexplicable bond, stronger than anything he himself had ever experienced. He wanted that. He wanted someone to be a constant in his life and the only person that came to mind when he thought of that was Sirius Black. He had been the first one to speak to Remus on the train, the first to invite him into their compartment and then into their lives, the first to flash that bright quicksilver smile.

He didn't know when his obsession started, if he had always been that way or if it had only been since he first noticed the way Sirius looked at James. It was an adoration, strong and obviously so. Nobody else seemed to notice, but he supposed it was because they didn't look as closely as he did.

It was October of their seventh year at school and everyone else had gone to Hogsmeade earlier that afternoon. James and Lily Evans were on their first date and Sirius had growled something about not wanting to be witness to the fall of a fellow Marauder. He had stalked off onto the grounds and Remus had followed him wordlessly.

It was quiet, a melting sort of late-night quiet, as they lay next to each other under the trees with their eyes fixated on the sky that showed through the branches.

"James isn't gone, Padfoot." He said suddenly, breaking the silence.

"He might as well be." Sirius sat up with a strange rigidness, drawing his legs up against his chest. "Now he'll be talking about Evans all the time. . ."

"He does that anyway." Remus smiled slightly but the cold look on his friend's face didn't change.

"He'll do it _more_. . .and then we'll end up hating each other."

"I don't think you could hate James if you tried." Remus murmured, shutting his eyes tight. "I could, maybe. . .but never you."

"You've never hated anyone, Moony." He said, looking down at him and raising a single dark eyebrow. "You just get withdrawn for half a day and then forget about it." He laughed, but the laughter didn't reach his eyes. It is a short, harsh thing that makes Remus flinch unconsciously. "Now, James. . .James gets truly angry. . ."

"Yeah." He wished that he would stop talking about James. The expression in his voice made him ache because he wanted to be spoken about in such a respect. He wanted Sirius to be amazed by him, just once.

"It's so bloody cold out here." Sirius stood, shaking his head to get the shaggy hair away from his eyes. Thoughtlessly, Remus shrugged off his jacket and tossed it to him. He caught it, surprised. "Thanks." Remus watched him pull it on, noticed how the sleeves were a bit too small and how it stretched at his shoulders. Sirius had always been bigger than him and most of the time he made it known, looking down at him when they stood next to each other, using his disparaging tone to his full advantage whenever he thought Remus was being particularly ridiculous so that he made him feel even smaller.

"The moon is almost full." Remus said softly. He was laying back again, his sandy hair laced through the dark grass. He knew what his eyes must look like now, the dark brown with shades and shades of gold shining behind it, pupals dilated in the rays of moonlight that hit them.

"It hurts you, doesn't it?" Sirius's voice was softer now but he didn't sit back down. He still had that restless look on his face, the faint lines on his forehead and the corners of his eyes etched deeper with the effort of keeping calm. Remus knew that he wanted to run. He understood the urge well enough, the depth of fear in the back of his mind that eventually everyone and everything would leave him behind. That was how he felt about Sirius.

"Not hurt, exactly." He wasn't sure how to explain things like that to him or to anyone, for that matter. He watched one of the last birds streak across the sky, almsot invisible against the clear dark blue of it. "It tugs at you, pulls you towards it. It's more of an ache than anything." Sirius nodded sympathetically then offered his hand. He took it gratefully, steadied on his feet next to him.

"Let's go inside, mate. They should've been back by now." He slung an arm over Remus's shoulder and led him towards the pathway. He looked up at him as they walked until he felt his silver eyes meet his own. He watched the beaten down path at his feet the whole way into the school.

_You are like the moon, Sirius Black_. Remus thought, but didn't have the nerve to say the words aloud as they parted in the commonroom, Remus going to the dormitory, Sirius to where James sat by the fire.


End file.
